(A silly poem about coming home from an open mic. The mic was awesome btw.)
A great open mic turned into a terrible night as I waited after I played for the bus to come my way. In the freezing cold I waited for the bus belated to take me to the cherry of the Staten Island Ferry.
Through unknown territory I trekked the distance, growing warmth walking through insistence. Bold determination holding my invigoration as I marched gallantly, rushing like a cavalry.
Beat out the bus or I'd feel stupid. Kicking back dust as I slowly burned lipids. Terrified of my surroundings but proud of my resolve as I was justified in the resoundings that familiar buildings were about me.
This twenty-minute walk of a mile's convenient thought raced my heart in seconds. A lenient bus now chased like a dart with "out of service" flashing at me, laughing.
Finally, I made it to the terminal, kindly I waited in deep inferno. Death mixed with black, metal's crisp abrasive attack. Cannibal Corpse's fathomable forced merger with Cradle of Filth's chasm of coarse surgical fervor could not adequately describe satisfactorily, the hell in which I'd just dwelled.
Sat down now feeling warmth from arrival, looked south, down from the ceiling, to a recognizable glance, of bird shit, on my pants.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Sunday, December 26, 2010
The McDonald's Truck
So a month or two ago I decided to go out and play some music at an open mic at Webster Hall in Manhattan, New York. As always it was a good night and I rocked the house. What had more significance to me however was a truck that I happened by on my way to the train station. It was a delivery truck that, in my wildest dreams, I never thought I'd see... Much less read what was written on the side of the truck. Parked outside a McDonald's... was this:
That's right. What you see in this picture is a truck delivering the latest shipment of diabetes to a McDonald's restaurant. Use your imagination when you read the word "restaurant." When I saw this truck I started thinking about number of things. "Thanks to this truck Wilford Brimley is now a celebrity"..."Dear god there is an "M" on the thing that blocks dirt from shooting out from the back of the wheel as it's speeding down the highway to deliver trans fats, how nice of them to prevent accidents on a highway ::nods head::"...and the last thing I thought was, "Wait, what does the side of the truck say? Let me get closer and voila:
Wow..."contents inside: fresh." Okay, I don't even know where to begin describing all the things that are wrong with this statement. I suppose they could be theoretically fresh, and frozen, and kept contained, but seriously?!! FRESH?!! There are many ways that people may choose to describe McDonald's food. "Bad." "Unhealthy." "Makes your stomach hurt if you eat it and you're past the age of 18." "Salty." "Contains animal feces." Never though would you ever find someone confidently use the word "fresh" to describe a McDonald's food product. I honestly don't know what else I could say with regards to that one term.
At this point I was honestly baffled at what I'd seen, but also sure that this experience couldn't get any more gross... I was wrong... Behold:
This picture looks like vomit. I'm not talking about a little stomach flu, I'm talking about full-fledged all night binge-drinking vomit that you find in the morning. You know the kind you wake up next to on the bed thinking, "thank god I sleep on my side." I suppose it could look like glue as well? Maybe it could even look the fat that was sucked out of a person who eats too much McDonald's, during liposuction. My friend Clif said it looked like an anus? I could probably vouch for him on that. This is not a picture of any of those things though. It is a picture of McDonald's... food... I think... I can't really imagine why the McDonald's corporation would put a picture of this "food" on the side of their truck though. Usually the picture that you post to the public eye should be enticing. Not one that would make a child from Somalia, or any other third-world country, go: "You know what, I can walk another block to find something else... or, actually, I don't know, someone just threw something into the trash can at the end of the block and it looked better than this roadkill."
That's right. What you see in this picture is a truck delivering the latest shipment of diabetes to a McDonald's restaurant. Use your imagination when you read the word "restaurant." When I saw this truck I started thinking about number of things. "Thanks to this truck Wilford Brimley is now a celebrity"..."Dear god there is an "M" on the thing that blocks dirt from shooting out from the back of the wheel as it's speeding down the highway to deliver trans fats, how nice of them to prevent accidents on a highway ::nods head::"...and the last thing I thought was, "Wait, what does the side of the truck say? Let me get closer and voila:
Wow..."contents inside: fresh." Okay, I don't even know where to begin describing all the things that are wrong with this statement. I suppose they could be theoretically fresh, and frozen, and kept contained, but seriously?!! FRESH?!! There are many ways that people may choose to describe McDonald's food. "Bad." "Unhealthy." "Makes your stomach hurt if you eat it and you're past the age of 18." "Salty." "Contains animal feces." Never though would you ever find someone confidently use the word "fresh" to describe a McDonald's food product. I honestly don't know what else I could say with regards to that one term.
At this point I was honestly baffled at what I'd seen, but also sure that this experience couldn't get any more gross... I was wrong... Behold:
This picture looks like vomit. I'm not talking about a little stomach flu, I'm talking about full-fledged all night binge-drinking vomit that you find in the morning. You know the kind you wake up next to on the bed thinking, "thank god I sleep on my side." I suppose it could look like glue as well? Maybe it could even look the fat that was sucked out of a person who eats too much McDonald's, during liposuction. My friend Clif said it looked like an anus? I could probably vouch for him on that. This is not a picture of any of those things though. It is a picture of McDonald's... food... I think... I can't really imagine why the McDonald's corporation would put a picture of this "food" on the side of their truck though. Usually the picture that you post to the public eye should be enticing. Not one that would make a child from Somalia, or any other third-world country, go: "You know what, I can walk another block to find something else... or, actually, I don't know, someone just threw something into the trash can at the end of the block and it looked better than this roadkill."
Friday, December 10, 2010
Mating rituals of a snake
So, many people don't know this but the male snake's reproductive organ is not located on the outer part of it's body. How does it go about procreation you may ask. I will now take the liberty of answering your question having no scientific evidence and having done no research to back up my claim:
The male snake must find a female to its liking. This is the easy part. Now it must court her...It does so by showing superiority against humanity and tricking Eve into eating an Apple. The snake then sings "I got no legs!!! I got no legs!!!"
Alright no more bible references. The male snake is at a disadvantage since it cannot speak and therefore must prove it's masculinity to the female snake in the most curious manner. It must slither its way into the female's mouth so that the female can determine whether or not the circumference and diameter of the male snake's body is worthy of her offspring. This process by the female is called "Deep Throating."
Next, after carrying out this difficult task of slithering into the female, it must now commence the backwards motion to exit the female through her mouth. It should be be noted that in order to aide the male in his exit of her body, the female goes through a series of contractions where fluid is produced which the male is forced to swallow. FYI The male must slither roughly halfway deep into the female snake's body to appropriately satisfy the female. This entire process is called "in and out."
After "in and out" is completed, and if the female is content with the male's width it is now the female's turn. She must slither into the male's body to reach his "tail end." Upon doing this, since the friction of feeling a female inside him is enough to properly arouse the male, the female must drink the ejaculatory fluid which is happily produced by the male from her journey within him.
It is now time to leave the male, which is a slow process due to the tight squeeze. It is also somewhat uncomfortable and unpleasant for the female as in order to do this the male must produce vomit to help the female to exit successfully from his body.
This is how babies are born. By the way, I'm bone sober.
The male snake must find a female to its liking. This is the easy part. Now it must court her...It does so by showing superiority against humanity and tricking Eve into eating an Apple. The snake then sings "I got no legs!!! I got no legs!!!"
Alright no more bible references. The male snake is at a disadvantage since it cannot speak and therefore must prove it's masculinity to the female snake in the most curious manner. It must slither its way into the female's mouth so that the female can determine whether or not the circumference and diameter of the male snake's body is worthy of her offspring. This process by the female is called "Deep Throating."
Next, after carrying out this difficult task of slithering into the female, it must now commence the backwards motion to exit the female through her mouth. It should be be noted that in order to aide the male in his exit of her body, the female goes through a series of contractions where fluid is produced which the male is forced to swallow. FYI The male must slither roughly halfway deep into the female snake's body to appropriately satisfy the female. This entire process is called "in and out."
After "in and out" is completed, and if the female is content with the male's width it is now the female's turn. She must slither into the male's body to reach his "tail end." Upon doing this, since the friction of feeling a female inside him is enough to properly arouse the male, the female must drink the ejaculatory fluid which is happily produced by the male from her journey within him.
It is now time to leave the male, which is a slow process due to the tight squeeze. It is also somewhat uncomfortable and unpleasant for the female as in order to do this the male must produce vomit to help the female to exit successfully from his body.
This is how babies are born. By the way, I'm bone sober.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Religion of Revolution
Corruption, corruption, corruption.
Lies, lies, lies.
Deception, deception, deception.
Why, why, why.
How could this happen?
The first time in history!!
A government revealed of blasphemy.
Now to face reality.
Ignorance plays upon those in warmth
Substance delays what the mind contorts.
A gossip columnist with a twist on authority
Feeding cotton candy to the vast majority.
As though this is a revelation,
Our lives so significantly altered.
Truth is, just a gross inhalation,
Destroying the perfection our minds have soldered.
Respect, or admire, so as to defend their action?
No. A crime is a crime without distraction.
Benefit and uprising to overthrow a faction?
No. Just a mere instigator to incite a reaction.
The irony is, it was a liberal who distributed
Incriminating evidence about a left-sided politician.
The world will now await to see these corrupt leaders fall.
So that we can then replace them with a regime to save us all.
A regime no doubt, which will stand,
For the virtues, of the common man.
A respectable group, that will have the right plan.
Restarting the loop, we will be given a guiding hand.
Since of course a new government,
Could NEVER be as bad.
The current politician with charisma and charm,
Will now be viewed with disturb and alarm.
The accomplishments made in the past three years,
Were all lies compared to what has now been made clear.
Finally making progress on a liberal agenda.
That's irrelevant with what will now be remembered.
A step toward healthcare and a more honorable tax,
Will lead us all to welfare with these new-found facts.
A new government will take hold.
That's as certain as wikileaks is bold.
But it will be one of a conservative nature,
Since compared to what we can now read...let's give them a waiver.
That will lead to more problems, since they are for business,
But look at these liberals though, and our new-found evidence!!
It's going to continue, this vicious cycle of apathy.
Both from our leaders, and those of anonymity.
Even if a new authority was founded,
One that for all intents and purposes, seemed grounded,
It would still ripen with decay,
As greed and self-interest would pave the way.
Through dynasties, through empires,
Through revolutions of burning embers.
Human nature has taken precedence,
Altruistically, of course, through the importance...
Of an idealist's relevance.
Lies, lies, lies.
Deception, deception, deception.
Why, why, why.
How could this happen?
The first time in history!!
A government revealed of blasphemy.
Now to face reality.
Ignorance plays upon those in warmth
Substance delays what the mind contorts.
A gossip columnist with a twist on authority
Feeding cotton candy to the vast majority.
As though this is a revelation,
Our lives so significantly altered.
Truth is, just a gross inhalation,
Destroying the perfection our minds have soldered.
Respect, or admire, so as to defend their action?
No. A crime is a crime without distraction.
Benefit and uprising to overthrow a faction?
No. Just a mere instigator to incite a reaction.
The irony is, it was a liberal who distributed
Incriminating evidence about a left-sided politician.
The world will now await to see these corrupt leaders fall.
So that we can then replace them with a regime to save us all.
A regime no doubt, which will stand,
For the virtues, of the common man.
A respectable group, that will have the right plan.
Restarting the loop, we will be given a guiding hand.
Since of course a new government,
Could NEVER be as bad.
The current politician with charisma and charm,
Will now be viewed with disturb and alarm.
The accomplishments made in the past three years,
Were all lies compared to what has now been made clear.
Finally making progress on a liberal agenda.
That's irrelevant with what will now be remembered.
A step toward healthcare and a more honorable tax,
Will lead us all to welfare with these new-found facts.
A new government will take hold.
That's as certain as wikileaks is bold.
But it will be one of a conservative nature,
Since compared to what we can now read...let's give them a waiver.
That will lead to more problems, since they are for business,
But look at these liberals though, and our new-found evidence!!
It's going to continue, this vicious cycle of apathy.
Both from our leaders, and those of anonymity.
Even if a new authority was founded,
One that for all intents and purposes, seemed grounded,
It would still ripen with decay,
As greed and self-interest would pave the way.
Through dynasties, through empires,
Through revolutions of burning embers.
Human nature has taken precedence,
Altruistically, of course, through the importance...
Of an idealist's relevance.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Arsenic based life form? Oh, it's on now.
http://www.wired.com/wiredscience/2010/12/nasa-finds-new-life/
Scientists have discovered a life form on Earth that is actually Arsenic based. I will start off by saying that that's awesome, but let's let our minds wander a bit.
Arsenic can be used as poison to kill people and animals. Does that mean that this life form is immune to what kills humans. Have found a superior species? Have we discovered a species that in order to exact vengeance upon all other life forms all it needs to do is touch us. We have met a worthy adversary. They don't use guns. They use their wit and intellect and an inviting nature to get close to us, innocently give us a hug, and then BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE we're dead. Oh yes, it's on now.
It's gonna be like mortal combat. We have to research what kills them and it's not guns since they'll just act like T-1000 from Terminator 2 and absorb the metal into themselves. That's right folks, arsenic is metallic in nature so it sees the common nature in bullets and assimilates it like the Borg in Star Trek. It's gonna be like Duke Nukem in this bitch. COME GET SOME!!!!
Oh wait did I forget to mention that these arsenic-based life forms are only microscopic bacteria. But does that make it worse. Let's discuss it... :)
Whereas if you have a life form that's the size of humans or a dog it can attack us and rub against us and kill us like by touching us if it's arsenic-based. But, if it's as small as a bacteria... I can seep into our blood stream and make us sick. If enough of them do that it can act like AIDS and rewire our immune system to create more of itself and we will turn into humanoid Arsenic Animals. We're doomed.
I do believe that our only defense is to start taking what old the elderly take for heart problems:
Nitroglycerin tablets. That's dynamite btw. If these bacteria can infiltrate us, we blow them up where they attack. Within us... We are the scene of the crime and war zone. It's like the movie Inception... except we're awake.
I do believe I have outdone myself with stupidity :D
Happy Channukah!!!!
Scientists have discovered a life form on Earth that is actually Arsenic based. I will start off by saying that that's awesome, but let's let our minds wander a bit.
Arsenic can be used as poison to kill people and animals. Does that mean that this life form is immune to what kills humans. Have found a superior species? Have we discovered a species that in order to exact vengeance upon all other life forms all it needs to do is touch us. We have met a worthy adversary. They don't use guns. They use their wit and intellect and an inviting nature to get close to us, innocently give us a hug, and then BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE we're dead. Oh yes, it's on now.
It's gonna be like mortal combat. We have to research what kills them and it's not guns since they'll just act like T-1000 from Terminator 2 and absorb the metal into themselves. That's right folks, arsenic is metallic in nature so it sees the common nature in bullets and assimilates it like the Borg in Star Trek. It's gonna be like Duke Nukem in this bitch. COME GET SOME!!!!
Oh wait did I forget to mention that these arsenic-based life forms are only microscopic bacteria. But does that make it worse. Let's discuss it... :)
Whereas if you have a life form that's the size of humans or a dog it can attack us and rub against us and kill us like by touching us if it's arsenic-based. But, if it's as small as a bacteria... I can seep into our blood stream and make us sick. If enough of them do that it can act like AIDS and rewire our immune system to create more of itself and we will turn into humanoid Arsenic Animals. We're doomed.
I do believe that our only defense is to start taking what old the elderly take for heart problems:
Nitroglycerin tablets. That's dynamite btw. If these bacteria can infiltrate us, we blow them up where they attack. Within us... We are the scene of the crime and war zone. It's like the movie Inception... except we're awake.
I do believe I have outdone myself with stupidity :D
Happy Channukah!!!!
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